


Kiss me once (Shame on you)

by pixihawk



Series: Kiss me once, Kiss me twice [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Lovers, Fanart, First Kiss, Illustrated, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Post-Canon, Unreliable Narrator, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 09:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15905874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixihawk/pseuds/pixihawk
Summary: Gavin is very good at lying to himself about his unresolved issues.Connor is very good at making him question everything between them.It's a mixture that's bound to explode once the android returns back to work.-----Written for thegav800 weekday 4 prompt - First Kiss





	Kiss me once (Shame on you)

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this One-Shot in mind for a while and when I saw the prompts for [gav800 week](https://gav800-week.tumblr.com/) I simply couldn't put off writing this any longer. Super happy I managed it in time! :D 
> 
> Hope you enjoy reading as much as i enjoyed writing this!!!
> 
> Fair warning though, there is some heavier topics in this and it's angsty for most of it. For that reason I'll put some warnings here: there's a scene of a character throwing up, as well as self-harming behavior, self-deprecating internal monologues and Connor is being referred to as "it" for a few parts.  
> I am writing a longer fic right now, if you need some fluff though :P

Gavin doesn't understand.

For the longest time he hoped that he'd been rid of _that machine_ and all the problems it created, though it seems the universe has conspired against him. The androids laid waste to their home city not even a whole months ago, turning it into a battleground and making it harder for everyone; yet here it is, reappearing like nothing happened.

Connor just strolls back into the station right after Anderson one day in December and before Gavin has time to process this and properly react, they vanish inside the Captains office.

He almost doesn't recognize it.

It's so strange and unfamiliar, seeing it without it's LED. As if the fact that these plastic assholes are already far too easily mistakable for real humans isn't creepy enough in its own right; without those tell tale neon lights it's even worse.

Not only is the LED gone, but so is its uniform. Now it wears a modern dark navy suit that Gavin is certain Hank couldn't have picked out for it as the garment itself is far too form-fitting and tasteful. It wears it's hair much the same as before, clean cut except for a few strands falling into its face, looking effortless and _handsome_.

Gavin has caught it admire itself in the mirror before and he knows that it is aware of how humans perceive its appearance. All of this is on purpose.

It makes him sick.

He scowls and throws down the report he's been working on, making an impromptu beeline to Chris' desk. He doesn't wait for his friend to quit working before he starts talking, something furious and hot burning inside of him.

How dare it show its face around here again.

"Hey, did you see that shit?! Because I'm pretty certain I've just witnessed Anderson and his Tamagotchi paying the Captain a visit."

But Chris just sighs, as he doesn't even turn around and simply continues working.

"Let it go, Gav. Makes sense they didn't tell you, but both of them are returning for work. They've been planning this for two weeks now. I get that you're upset, but it's time to grow up and put that squabble between you two to rest."

Gavin's momentarily taken aback, blindsided by that answer. Why is Chris talking to him like he's a child?

"What the fuck", is all he manages to get out before Chris throws him an over the shoulder glance and then proceeds to very deliberately pull out his headphones and put them in his ears.

The asshole is lucky that they're in public, or else he'd deck him right there and then.

But he's not about to make a scene at work - not again, as he's learned his lessons from that robotic pain in the ass - so he heads off to the next best person to vent to.

Before he is even within ten meters of her desk, Tina establishes eye contact and shakes her head.

Apparently nobody is taking his side today and that stings worse than the fact that he wasn't told about this. Very deliberately, as it seems.

He stopped smoking three weeks ago, but that day he picks it back up again.

 

*

 

Connor is back and it's so different. It's more lively, chatting with people and fucking _laughing_ and it even starts putting shit on its desk within the first few days of returning to work. It's downright nauseating to see how much care it puts into decorating and how enthusiastic it gets when someone gives it a small plant or a pretty trinket to add to its collection.

Every time he _has_ to walk by there, Gavin only barely resists the childish notion of knocking everything off its table.

People stop by often, ask how its settling in, staying for a while and acting like this is normal; all while his coworkers of many years don't even stop for a quick hello at his desk.

He's not jealous, because why would he be? After all he wants them to stay the fuck out of his way; he just doesn't understand why they have to be all over _Connor_ , of all people.

Seeing Anderson interact with it is the worst, though. Gavin used to hold a lot of respect for the guy. He was his role model at the DPD for the longest time, but that's gone down the drain ever since he started trying to drink himself to death. And now he's there, talking with the robot like it's the most natural thing. Apparently, the two of them even live together, if rumors are to be trusted. Not that they ever are, but the thought alone makes him feel uneasy.

Gavin can only watch from behind his own desk, peering at them whenever he feels like it's not paying attention.

It almost catches him every now and then, but he's quick to act like he just stopped working to check his phone.

Not a single word is exchanged between them; neither Anderson nor his pet greet him in the morning or say goodbye at the end of the day. They never meet up in the hallways, the break room, or anywhere else where they might end up alone and he has the sneaking suspicion that this is entirely calculated.

Gavin doesn't know if he should be relieved or disappointed, but all the choice he has for now is to keep to his own thoughts.

 

*

 

He hasn't dreamt of Connor for the whole time in between them meeting again, but as soon as that plastic toy walks back into his life, everything is like it never left.

And he wants to work through those emotions seething under his skin, but he doesn't know what to do about them. He has never known how to deal with overwhelming feelings like this.

He may be good with stress coming from outside, he can deal with that, but he can't deal with his own fucking thoughts and emotions, so it all just keeps crashing over him like one wave after the next.

He dreams of that time in the interrogation room, where it dared to defy him and question his orders.

He was the human being in that situation and he couldn't have given less fucks about that _murder bot._ Generations of Sci-Fi stories prepared them for this, yet somehow he's still the asshole for seeing the signs? So what if it would've self-destructed? That could've easily spared them a ton of paper work and resources! But Anderson had dared to humiliate him in front of another Officer by pointing his gun at him, all for some fucking android.

The worst part however was that expression on Connors face. Logically Gavin knows that this thing is a cold, unfeeling machine and whatever it was he saw that day was likely a figment of his imagination, but that doesn't stop the memory of that look of utter _disappointment_ to haunt him.

When he wakes up his bed sheets are sticking to his skin from sweat.

 

*

 

It's December 24th and Gavin feels even more inclined to get utterly shitfaced before midnight strikes than he does every other year.

It's supposed to be the departments Christmas party, but somehow that turned out to be an excuse to celebrate the androids official re-employment to the force. It's ridiculous. It's been working here for two weeks again, so why now?

He hates this time of year and he hates androids, especially those that should've been deactivated long ago, yet _somehow_ are still walking amongst them, surrounded by Gavin's friends and coworkers. He feels sick to his stomach.

Things have changed and he hates that the most.

Suddenly they need all these laws, because a few bugs somewhere in a software constitute to _feelings_ nowadays. And worst of all, most of his colleagues are buying that shit. Some of them even brought _gifts_ for it. It's beaming at them and Gavin would love to give each and every one of them a piece of his mind, but he knows that'd just blow up back in his face; so he drinks.

One drink for each person in this department that sucks up to it. It may be petty, but he can't let go of the fact that nobody stuck to his side.

The first drink is for Anderson, obviously. Despite all his protests and repetition of how much he hates the bots, he got wrapped around that things finger faster than one could say 'alcoholic old bastard'. Now it's his shadow and where he goes, it goes. Which means he is the reason Gavin gets to see its smug face basically every day. He'd bet his soul that it was Hanks influence that made Connor return to the DPD.

He downs the drink he gets for Collins half-heartedly, because he is a weak-willed idiot, so Gavin isn't all too surprised to see him try to get on its good side.

But even the Captain has suddenly forgotten all about the fact that all the shit they have to deal with now - the reason most of them haven't got a full night of sleep in weeks - is also partially its fault. Forgotten is also the fact that it's gained illegal entry to restricted evidence and assaulted a police officer. But hey, it was _circumstances_ and besides, it's just Gavin and _he_ deserved that, _right_? Fuck, he gets himself two for Fowler, because that one is particularly bitter.

The next drink is for the entire department. Most of the other officers are acting like they've always secretly rooted for the tin men to find their collective hearts. It makes him nauseous. What a bunch of spineless assholes. He knows that most of them just want to ease their conscience and don't truly care about what a fucking computer thinks.

Tina and Chris being part of that crowd is especially insulting. Just a few weeks ago they used to hang with him, gossiping about how creepy and annoying these things were. He specifically recalls Chris laughing at a lively reenactment of the coffee incident performed by Gavin and Tina, yet here they are, shaking its hand and smiling widely at it. Both of them act like Gavin's the bad guy and they're all of a sudden above being associated with him.

Of course he doesn't care because he doesn't need this fake shit in his life, but it stings regardless. He loses count of his drinks around that point.

He just doesn't understand.

"Everybody, let's give a toast to our official new colleague!" Fowlers voice is followed by cheers from the people around, then by glasses clinking together and everyone falling over themselves to give their congratulations.

Gavin feels pretty pathetic right now, getting wasted at an office party like the lonely asshole he is, but at least he's not that much of a sucker.

That thing is right in the middle of the pulp and without the LED it's almost indistinguishable from humans, so he almost loses sight of it. Why does he keep torturing himself by looking for it anyway?

Almost like he's addicted to the thrill of misery.

He finds it amidst the crowd and it looks so excitable, trying to keep up with everyone's conversations and it _laughs_ and though he can't hear it, it makes his insides twist up with nausea.

He wants to turn around, stop watching this shitfest, but he can't. He can't but he should've because just then it turns around and its gaze meets his and for a moment everything stops as all the laughter fades from its face at once, leaving nothing but a curios expression as it observes him.

They stare at each other and the world around them feels surreal, like everything else is not truly there.

 

And then Connor _smiles._

 

The upside to being the departments black sheep is that he can stay on the sidelines, where no one spares him even a glance - nobody except that fucking thing - as he refills his glass once again. Turning away from the crowd he hopes that Connor loses interest fast.

That smile just now brought back something he'd desperately tried to bury, starting that day it dared to sass him over the fucking coffee. And once _that_ flood gate opens, he can do nothing but let it wash over him once again, leaving him wincing at his own sorry self.

In his memory, that first punch felt so satisfying. The way it hunched over, finally put in its rightful place felt like a victory. Knocked down a few pegs like that it wasn't such a smartass anymore, silently taking the treatment, just like it deserved. If it wasn't for Tina and them being in a public space, he wouldn't have minded roughing it up even more, making it take everything he could dish out till it knew not to mess with him.

But just for one moment, it had looked back up, meeting Gavin's eyes and he swears that there was something else there. Something that had both unnerved and thrilled him.

In the dreams he's had ever since it's on its knees for entirely different reasons.

On a purely logic based level Gavin knows that the thing resembles an attractive human being, but he still has his standards and it's not the type of guy he'd go for normally anyway. He doesn't do pretty boys as they're usually trouble and he also doesn't do coworkers.

Or at least that's what he thought until he woke up with the image of Connor looking up to him etched into his brain, asking politely and still - somehow - condescendingly to let him suck his cock.

Gavin scowls, embarrassed by the memory and he clutches his glass so hard that with a bit more strength it could shatter easily at any moment. They're just that though, dreams. They don't mean shit, except that he probably has more issues than just anger problems. His feelings towards Connor are tense at best and downright antagonistic at worst, so he doesn't understand where these thoughts came from. He's never wanted to punch someone and then fantasized about them getting together the next moment. Even to him that doesn't feel like it's healthy at all.

Plus, he doesn't do plastic like the sick fucks at Eden Club. He may not consider those pieces of metal and wire human, but they're human-like enough that the issue of not being able to consent turns him off completely. They may call it deviancy, but what's the fucking difference? It may put up plants on its desk now and run laugh.exe, but it's still a computer at the end of the day. That's what it is, isn't it? There's nothing real there.

He's already pretty far gone, but there's no way he'll stop drinking after his thoughts spiraled out of control like that.

He can see that Tina is throwing him a worried glance and makes an attempt at coming over towards him, but he flips her off, at which point she rolls her eyes and turns away again. She didn't care how he was doing two weeks ago, so what good is her pity now? It's better this way.

He feels like he's ready to throw up; too much alcohol, too fast, he hasn't eaten all day and he's not twenty anymore, he's thirty -six and he rarely drinks anything worse than a beer nowadays. Maybe it'd be better to get it all out that way, so he can purge his system of all the shit that's inside of him, seething under the surface. His head is starting to really hurt from the fucking Christmas music they're playing and yes, he's probably going to be sick any moment now.

And though he doesn't admit it to himself, before he leaves he scans the crowd for brown, observing eyes, but Connor is gone. He's not disappointed. Of course he's not.

Why would he be?

Somehow he manages to will his body into moving, as he makes his way to the precincts bathroom. Hopefully he'll get some privacy there, or he might just lose his mind after all.

Thankfully he is alone as he closes the door behind himself and steps towards the sink to splash some water on his face.

He's not about to black out, but he's not taking this well either. Pathetic. The water cools his burning skin down somewhat, though something tells him it's not just the alcohol working at his body.

When he looks back up, he meets his own gaze in the mirror and just stares at it for a few moments, before something nasty and destructive works its way through his mind. He can't stand himself when he's like this. Seeing his own appearance reflected back to him makes him far too aware of how stupid he's being.

He swings without thinking about it.

Gavin doesn't feel pain immediately, as everything seems like its lagging behind. He hears the glass shatter before he sees it fall and he can smell the blood before he feels the sharp screaming in his hand.

Oh shit, that was a stupid idea. _Why the fuck did he do that?_

And just then his vision blurs, as his stomach decides it's had enough. He reels forwards, throwing up into the sink until he's dry heaving and his hair sticks to his forehead from sweat. Vomit mixes with blood and glass on the porcelain and he prays that he can get his shit together to clean this up; he's going to get into enough trouble with the destroyed property alone. Fowler is absolutely going to rip him a new one.

He hears the bathroom door open behind him, but he doesn't turn around, freezing and unable to look up to check for who it is. He prays to whoever might hear him, don't let it be him, don't let it be h...it, that machine, that-

But the universe really does have it out for him.

"Let me take care of that."

Connors voice is professional and firm, no hint of any judgment. Somehow, that makes it even worse than if he simply came in here to laugh at him.

He.

It.

...He.

_No._

Why is this so difficult?

His drunk self is even more of a pathetic loser than his sober self.  

He hears the water running as Connor cleans the sink as best as he can, before he grabs Gavin's arms by the wrists and tugs at them carefully but firmly to make him hold his hands underneath the stream.

He can't see properly because his eyes are stinging, but he won't cry in front of Connor. He'd eat a bullet first before it came to that. Now that the adrenaline settles down, he tastes the disgusting burning aftertaste of stomach acid on his tongue.

And yet none of that bothers him as much as the gentle touch of robotic fingers helping him clean his own, washing blood away from them and picking glass from his skin.

"Let the water keep running over it, I'll be back in a minute.", Connor says softly so close to his ear that despite the pain and shame a jolt of something between pleasure and panic runs through his body, making him feel like he's momentarily somewhere else.

He's imagined that mouth on his skin so many times and he hates himself for being this inept at his own emotions. Why can't this just be one of those infatuations he could fuck away with some stranger that wouldn't judge him come morning? He tried, but that's only made it worse.

When he's able to shake those thoughts away, Connor is gone.

Quickly he holds his head forward underneath the water as best as he can, letting it clean his face and wash away some of the foul taste, both from vomiting and his own mind. The damage's already been done and the android has seen him like this, so he simply can't bring himself to care anymore.

Connor comes back after what feels like both much shorter and longer than one minute. The stinging in Gavin's eyes is better now and he can somewhat focus again. He looks up, though he avoids any eye contact and sees that the android is holding a first aid kit in his hands that he props up on the bathroom counter. He also brought something else, but Gavin can't quite make out what it is, though it looks somewhat like a...towel, maybe?

"This will sting."

The sadistic fuck doesn't even let him process those words when he's already applied the antiseptic.

"Fuck--, what the fuck!!" It burns badly.

He can see that Connor's lips twitch up slightly at his protests and it makes him want to both smash his head against a wall, as well as lunge forward to bite his pretty, maddeningly kissable lips until he stops being so smug.

Gavin's cheeks burn and he's certain his entire face is flushing a telling color.

He wants to be sober and simultaneously even drunker as Connor takes his hand in his again and starts wrapping bandaging over the cuts. In most of his fantasies he'd never wondered if Connor's hands radiated body warmth, but if someone had asked him, he'd have sworn they'd be cold.

But they're not, they're pleasantly warm and he can even feel a pulse. Calm and regulated, while Gavin can hear his own heart beat in his ears.

"See, that wasn't so bad." Connor finishes the wrapping by securing it in place. "Make sure to renew the bandaging often and please refrain from smashing any further mirrors. I'm going to file a damage report on your behalf. And might I recommend that before you consider self-harming again you seek out a therapist? For that and multiple other reasons."

Even despite his exhausted brain struggling to keep up he can clearly make out the mockery in Connors voice. Or is it concern? It all sounds the same to him.

For the first time Gavin looks up, meeting brown eyes. The android is looking straight at him, his lips still curled into a slight smile.

Bad idea.

Gavin opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again when he finds himself incapable of forming any coherent sentence. He imagines that he must look like a fish gasping for air, especially with his face still dripping wet.

His answer is a slightly amused wrinkling of Connors eyes.

"Can you take off your shirt, please?"

_What?_

"What?" His mouth echoes his thoughts intelligently.

And the little shit actually has the audacity to chuckle at him. It's a weird sound, one that twists up something deep inside of Gavin in a way that he can't tell whether he likes or dislikes, except that it _does_ something to him.

"Your shirt. It's been stained severely and I imagined you'd prefer a change. I've brought you an unused shirt from the storage room. It should be the correct sizing." He nods his head in the direction of where he'd put the first aid kit earlier and now Gavin recognizes the thing he'd put down next to it as clothing.

Ah. Yeah. Of course. That makes sense.

Gavin supposes that he should feel something about all of this, but instead it's just a blurry haze in his mind. Connor taking care of him, helping him clean his mess up and even going so far as to care about his appearance and comfort.

All inhibition gone at this point, he says ' _fuck it_ ' to himself and shrugs off his jacket and then his stained shirt. Now that he's getting a look at it, he thinks that Connor is absolutely right; that thing looks disgusting and also distinctly like something he registered as evidence countless times before.

Before he can think of where to dispose of the shirt, Connor takes it from him. That's the part he can still follow.

What he can't follow however is how Connor throws the piece of clothing onto the floor carelessly and then steps closer towards Gavin, closer, even closer, _what the fuck is he doing?_ _What the hell is going on, what's he-_

The edge of the bathroom counter hits his lower back and he's backed into a corner as Connor places his hands on each side of his body, trapping him in between. Without pressing right up against him, he slips a leg between Gavin's and perhaps he _did_ black out after all and this is just his subconscious fucking with him once more?

Sometimes Gavin forgets that there's quite a bit of a height difference between them as they're usually not this close, unless it's in his stupid fantasies, so now he arches his neck to look at the androids face as he basically towers above him. It's intimidating in the most arousing way he could imagine. If he wasn't so drunk right now and hadn't just thrown up in the office's bathroom he'd probably be hard already.

His pulse is racing.

There's artificial breath hitting his skin and warm eyes watching him with something distinctly dangerous yet curios in them.

He wants to either back away further or to press forward, bringing their bodies flush together before he can question this, but his mind is locked in a battle between the two options, so he just stays put.

The moment lasts for only a few seconds, but it feels like whole minutes pass with the two of them just looking at each other silently. No LED to let Gavin know what the other one's thinking. He's certain the android can clearly tell that he's shivering.

Is he supposed to say something?

Finally Connor grins. No smile, no gentleness or that subservience he used to display all the time, but a proper, mischievous grin.

"So, you finally got my attention that you've been begging for so desperately."

Gavin feels his heart sink into his stomach and his head is dizzy, making him feel like his feet aren't properly connected to the ground. He's not been begging for anything, least of all this fuckers attention. Or did he?

Fuck, he doesn't know what to think anymore.

"I have to admit that it's been interesting to watch your behavior over the past weeks. I'm still learning human relations and this has been very educational. I'd actually be enjoying this, if you weren't such an asshole about it."

Hearing the android swear is giving him some form of whiplash. He's pretty sure that Hank taught him that. What's up with this deviancy business that he suddenly sounds so horrifyingly _human_? Like he wants to watch Gavin squirm underneath him. How is this a _program_?  

But before he can keep pondering that particular philosophical dilemma, Connor undercuts all of his thought processes at once. He moves closer, until his lips are directly next to Gavin's ear for the second time this evening.

For a moment his mind blanks completely. This isn't happening, right? It's cruel, far too cruel. He's too drunk for this and Connor absolutely is aware of what he's doing, which makes him want to sucker punch that shit-eating grin off his face even more so than usual.

"You know, if it helps you to resolve your issues regarding me, you might as well just ask me for this."

And then he feels a strangely soft synthetic pair of lips press against his cheek, in a kiss that is so gentle and sweet that it makes Gavin fall apart in a way that nothing Connor had done before had managed to.

"This is what you want, isn't it?"

He's pretty certain his knees will give out at this point.

But just as suddenly as all of this has started, it ends. Connor steps back and that grin is gone, replaced by an entirely neutral expression on his face. Gavin is still leaning against the counter and if he were to take a guess he'd bet good money on the fact that he looks like a proper mess right now.

"Please continue to get dressed. Your taxi should arrive any minute. I'll let people know that you felt sick and had to leave."

He feels completely perplexed by all of this. Gavin watches Connor leave, all at once remembering that he's still standing there without his shirt on in the cold air of the bathroom. He feels like puking once again, but there's nothing left inside of him except an emptiness that threatens to swallow him whole.

Merry fucking Christmas.

 

*

 

He arrives at home and falls into a dreamless sleep as soon as his body hits his bed, too mentally exhausted to continue staying awake. When he wakes up on Christmas morning he's relieved that this night spared him from any more dreams of that sadistic machine; at least until the memory of soft lips hits him.

Shit, as if he doesn't have enough of a headache already. He groans and reaches for his night table, where he keeps his pain killers, then swallows two of them dry. It'll have to do for now.

What the hell happened yesterday?

_This is what you want, isn't it?_

Connor's voice echoes inside of his mind and it's not, it's not what he wants, it's not, _it's not_. But it is and it's driving him insane; slowly, agonizingly.

He thinks about the way he...it...looked at him and its lips on his cheeks; how soft and real they'd felt and how utterly wrecked he felt knowing that this was something he simply couldn't have.

They were no friends, but the farthest from it. He wants to continue hating this computer, this artificial intelligence, this technological wonder. Yet there's a slow, creeping realization that it might not actually be Connor his aggression is directed at.

Why is he so incapable of behaving like a normal fucking human being for once? And why is it so hard to see that Connor isn't real? How much further can it fake these emotions and why do they still feel so strangely tangible? 

Gavin curls up in a fetal position, pulling his blanket over his head.

He just doesn't understand any of this.

 

*

 

Gavin doesn't consider himself lonely unless he's drunk, but Christmas is the one day of the year that he can't lie to himself even when he's sober. It's a miserable mess of a day and he stays in bed until late into the afternoon.

His stomach doesn't care for his mood however and screams at him to get something to eat until he can't ignore it any longer, so he finally gets up sometime around 4pm. Before he can get himself to do anything productive however, he needs to shower desperately and change his bandage. He's never felt this disgusting before.

He considers jerking off, but as soon as he touches himself there's brown eyes immediately on his mind, staring at him like they can see through his skin, right to his core. Quickly he turns the temperature to the coldest he can manage.

When he leaves the shower, he doesn't feel any less revolting.

As he heats up some left overs from two days ago a few minutes later, he pops another pain killer and makes the mistake of checking his phone.

There's four new messages, when he'd expected none.

He has no immediate family left besides one cousin he still sometimes visits, but she hasn't texted him back in the past six months. He's not had a relationship for close to five years now and there's not a single ex that he's still in contact with. Most of his breakups were pretty ugly.

Scratch that, all of them.

His friends are all from work, which translates to 'sometimes he exchanges memes with Chris' and 'more often than he likes to admit he vents to Tina while they take smoke breaks together', but considering how cold their interactions have been for the past weeks he expects radio silence.

So when he reads Tina's name, he feels like he's choking.

 

**[Tina] Yesterday, 11:28pm**

_i saw u leave and u looked terrible,but u were avoiding me so idk if u want me there. do u need help?_

**[Tina] Today, 0:04am**

_connor told us whats up and im glad he took care of u. i know ur angry at me, but i still love u.merry christmas asshole stay safe_

He doesn't know how to respond. Yeah, he's mad at her for not sticking with him, but the message is still so sincere that it makes his chest feel even more constricted. Briefly he wonders what Connor has told them exactly, but the thought alone makes him wince in shame. Better to not open that can of worms right now.

The next one is from Chris.

 

**[Chris] Today, 10:46am**

_Hope you enjoy your Christmas, Gav!!!!!!_

That message comes attached with a surrealist image of a tree set on fire, run through several filters that make it appear warped and almost unrecognizable. Memes these days have truly hit a new low.

There's only one unread message left, coming from an unknown number. Huh? His phone provider assured him that they'd take care of the spammers everyone's been dealing with recently. He opens it regardless and the regret hits him immediately.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 0:00am**

_Merry Christmas, Gavin. - Connor_

Three minutes later his neighbors are at his door, complaining about the noise once again, as he has to deal with the consequences of his stupid impulse of throwing his phone at the wall, trashing it in the process.

 

*

 

He dreams again that night, of that time Connor beat him up in the archive room.

The smugness in his voice as he sarcastically called their relationship a bromance. Something inside of him snapped at that, horrified that even though it was clearly a mockery of their terrible interactions so far he somehow knew about his attraction, having figured it out by measuring his heart beat or some other terrifying bullshit like that. He pulled his gun, but that stupid little shit hadn't even pretended to be scared of him. He felt like he'd lost somehow as he stormed off.

He doesn't truly recall what his intentions were when he followed him down the stairs, but he knows that it was a mistake. Maybe he truly wanted to stop him, not like he - it! - is alive after all, but he never got to find out as Connor incapacitated him effortlessly.

In his dream Connor doesn't leave, though. Instead he leans down to him as he lies on the floor, lips brushing his ear, as he whispers something he can't quite make out. An apology, or an insult? He's not sure and it might be the same. There's a hand caressing his own and suddenly he's back at the bathroom, Connor pressed up against him and whispering sweet nothings to him.

When he wakes up and his heart is pounding fast and hard in his chest because of that image, the realization starts to sink in of how truly and utterly screwed he is. 

 

*

 

Gavin's return to work the next day goes just about as well as he'd expected. He's through an entire pack of cigarettes before noon, despite Connor and Hank not even being at the office as they're busy on a case that day. For some reason people like to kill each other more frequently during the holidays and on some fucked up level Gavin can at least somewhat understand that notion.

It's just the fact that whenever he looks over to their desks, he's reminded of everything, his messed up emotions and this situation he can't wrap his head around.

Tina visits his desks for the first time in weeks, as she brings him a coffee just the way he likes it best, with a sticky note attached on the cup and a heart scribbled on that. He wants to get up, make an excuse and run away.

Instead he manages to stay, mumbles a thank you and she gives him a somewhat hesitant smile. When she turns around to leave, he finally gets his shit together and calls after her.

"Hey... I'm sorry about not responding to your text. I broke my phone." If only the ground would open up and swallow him right this moment.

"It's fine. You still look like shit, but at least you showed up to work."

Tina has always been honest in a way that usually puts people off. Funnily enough that's the exact trait they ended up bonding over. Fuck, he's still mad, but she's also one of his only friends and he does care about her too.

"I'm sorry, about before." It feels surprisingly easy to get out.

Her smile turns more genuine and Gavin feels somewhat less awful. It's only marginally, but hey, at this point he'd take any kind of improvement.

Later that day he uses this energy for heading out and getting himself a new phone. Maybe things can return to normal after all.

 

*

 

He doesn't see Connor again until the end of the week, on December 30th.

Gavin's about to head out to get to their latest crime scene, when he finds a familiar face looking at him from the entrance of the station.

Connor's wearing a tacky, old-fashioned looking pullover and Gavin doesn't need to think particularly hard to imagine who gave him that. Hank is right there by his side, an oddly mismatched scarf around his neck.

His stomach turns at the image of the two of them, happy as they are.

He strolls past them, muttering a "Watch it.", as he bumps shoulders with the android on his way out - and it's not on purpose, of course it's not, he's not _that_ touch starved - and as he leaves the station he can feel Connors eyes on his back, watching him go.

Without a doubt these two assholes are going to have a great time laughing at how pathetic this exit is, but he doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit about them.

He arrives at the crime scene far later than necessary, because he keeps sitting in his car, struggling not to just say fuck it and go home to wallow in his self-deprecations.

 

*

**[Unknown] Today, 4:24pm**

_Did you look for a therapist, like I recommended?_

**[Unknown] Today, 4:27pm**

_My offer still stands. You just need to ask me._

*

 

New Year's is at least somewhat better than Christmas. He's off-duty for tonight as well and doesn't even feel bad for that fact, because back when he was just a rookie cop, he used to work throughout all holidays. He deserves to celebrate today.

He's made up with Tina somewhat. She still doesn't apologize for treating Connor like he's more of a friend than he is to her and even fucking scolds him for bringing it up, but he's too tired to fight. So he bites his tongue and tries to get over it.

The two of them decided to go out together, watch the fireworks at a public venue and have a good time.

Tina brings her fiancée Maya, but the three of them get along just fine, so he doesn't feel like too much of a third wheel. At least it's bearable, even though he can feel his own destructive thoughts get louder whenever he sees them kiss or hold hands. Maybe he lacks self-awareness most of the time, but even he can tell that it'd be really shitty to ruin their evening because of his own selfish problems.

Secretly he's kind of glad that Chris is staying home with his husband and son, because said husband _really_ doesn't like Gavin. The two of them actually got into a shouting match the first time they met and ever since then Chris makes sure not to let that happen again.

The venue is pretty packed and champagne quickly makes him feel pleasantly buzzed, as the party starts to liven up. With no androids in sight to make his mood worse, he controls his drinking tonight, making sure not to ruin everybody else's evening again.

It's almost too peaceful after the week he's had and he doesn't trust it.

When he scans the crowd, Gavin can tell that several people here are actually not people at all, but androids. He scowls. None of them have their LED's and he only recognizes them because they're common models. But no one seems to make a move to interject, so he can only keep watching.

He may not like this, but he's not about to make a scene.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

Someone hugs him from behind and puts their head on his shoulder and that actually makes Gavin genuinely smile, as he recognizes that it's Tina.

He shrugs as an answer and finishes his current glass of champagne. "Yeah, it's nice. I'm glad when this year is finally fucking over."

Tina chuckles in respond and lets go of him, then steps around him so they can actually look at each other while they talk.

"It's good to see you smiling for once, almost thought you had forgotten how to.", she jokes, but that sentence makes Gavin feel uncomfortable.

He doesn't actually remember the last time he smiled before just now.

"Gav, I've been wanting to ask this for a while now, but it's been kinda hard to talk to you recently. I know you two have always butted head, but I'm not stupid."

She gets serious all of a sudden and Gavin doesn't like this is going at all, dreading every word that comes from her mouth.

"If I didn't know better, I'd assumed you were _jealous_ with the way you were getting mad at us about this whole thing. What's going on between you and Con-"

She stops all of a  sudden, her eyes drifting to somewhere behind Gavin.

"Oh."

He doesn't want to turn around.

Doesn't want to know, because he already can guess pretty well what's going on. His hands curl up into fists and he quickly pulls out his lighter to fidget with it, or else he might actually end up doing something really stupid.

"Good evening, Officer Chen, Detective Reed. We didn't expect to see you here!"

That voice makes Gavin skin crawl in the best and worst way. It takes him far too long to turn around and face its owner.

Connor stands in front of him and smiles, though it doesn't quiet reach his eyes. He's holding onto Hank's arm, familiar and comfortable. Gavin feels sick. Hank greets Tina with a smile and then ignores Gavin entirely, but that's for the better. He doesn't want to interact with either of them right now, or ever again.

For a moment, his eyes meet the androids and that smile turns into something else; something challenging.

Gavin can feel his face flush and he doesn't know whether its embarrassment or anger, or a mixture of both, but he feels those eyes observing him so closely that it makes him want to bolt.

"Lieutenant Anderson, good evening! And you too, Officer Anderson." Tina shakes each of their hands in turn.

_Officer Anderson?_  

He hadn't realized that Connor took on Hanks surname. Something dark and unsettling starts clouding his mind as he keeps repeating that in his head over and over. Why did they do that? Couldn't they have just kept his simple, stupid first name? Or just a number even, wouldn't that have been enough? And why is this shit bothering him so much?

If they weren't in public, he'd start screaming out of frustration right now, like the childish asshole he is.

"By the way, have you met my fiancée? She should be somewhere around here, you simply _have_ to meet her! She's going to be so excited to meet you, Connor!!"

Tina must've been able to sense his quickly worsening mood, as she points to somewhere across the room and beckons both Hank and Connor to follow her.

This is his out.

The excuse falls from his mouth even before he can think about it.

"I'm, uhm...gonna step out for a smoke. Don't wait on me."

He's already turned around when he hears Connor behind him.

"We'll see you later, Gavin."

He starts vanishing into the crowd as fast as he can without looking like he's running away.

 

*

 

It's more difficult than he'd imagined, but Gavin manages to find a secluded alleyway just outside of the venue where no one bothers him. The night is particularly harsh and he's freezing, but that's not as bad as being in the same room as Connor.

At least not when people are around that could witness how he falls apart.

It takes five tries to get his lighter to work and he almost throws that one at the wall as well, but common sense somehow keeps him from doing that in time for once. He lights his cigarette and takes a deep breath, immediately feeling somewhat relaxed as the nicotine enters his body.

It's funny how they've known these things can kill you for decades now, but he still finds himself unable to give up this unhealthy habit. Doesn't that make him just as bad as Anderson? Ah fuck, he really doesn't want to think about him right now.

The music that's playing inside is still audible but muted through the walls and somehow that sound is oddly comforting to his mind.

When he finishes his cigarette, he immediately lights the next. His hand is shaking, as he does so.

Two days ago he got himself a new phone and he checks it for the time.

11:45pm.

Soon 2038 will be gone and Gavin finds himself counting the seconds to the moment he'll finally be rid of it.

But as always, as soon as he wishes for something, the universe has to put him back in his place.

"There you are, Detective. I've been looking for you."

_Ah, crap._

Gavin stubs out his cigarette and throws it to the ground. Apparently this is how his year is going to end, with the focus of all his problems, frustrations and desires. Fuck, he's a mess.

"What do you want, tin can? Can't you see that I'm trying to get some peace and quiet, or did you get tired of your _boyfriend_?"

Connor doesn't seem fazed by the provocation. His lips curl up in a light smile; one that does reach his eyes this time. A shudder goes through Gavin's body, though he blames it on the cold air outside.

"It's almost midnight. Don't you want to rejoin the celebrations?"

He cocks his head to the side, looking so nauseatingly _adorable_ that it makes Gavin want to turn around and punch the wall behind him. And that alone is reason enough why anything happening between the two of them is a bad idea, not that he'd ever seriously consider it. But he is, and that's the worst part.

  _My offer still stands._

He still couldn't figure out how Connor had even gained access to his new number. The messages had just popped up on it. Why did they make him like this? To torture him, specifically?

"No, I don't." Gavin sounds more aggressive than he probably has any right to, but then again, what does he care about the feelings of a machine?

Still, Connor seems unimpressed and Gavin finds himself relieved.

"We haven't had much time to talk since the incident a week ago. I've been wondering how you were."

Is he being serious?

"Well, there's nothing to talk about."

But Connor is nothing if not relentless. He steps forward and holds out his hand, like he's expecting Gavin to put something into it. What the hell?

"May I see your hand?"

Oh, yeah. The wounds.

Gavin wants to tell him to fuck off and leave him alone, but for some ungodly reason, he freezes. He remembers the way those hands had felt carefully brushing against his, taking care of him.

And before his logical brain can intervene, he's put his hand into Connors.

The android's smile grows wider and Gavin feels hot shame burning inside of him. But now he's done it and he can't take it back, or he'd just make this even more awkward than it's already.

"Thank you."

Connor lifts Gavin's hand and breaks off eye contact to examine it. Apparently he's satisfied with the way it's healing.

"Very good, I'm glad you've been taking care of this."

Gavin feels like a kid getting praised by his parents for managing to pass a grade. Not that he knows what that's like.

He's pretty sure that Connor is holding his hand for far longer than necessary, so in a moment of clarity he manages to pull it back, though the loss of contact immediately makes him regret it. No, he doesn't need this and he'll swallow it down.

But Connor doesn't play by the same rules as he does. When Gavin pulls back his hand, he steps closer, making him take a step backwards. And then another.

There's something twinkling in his eyes and Gavin doesn't understand what's going on now all of a sudden. He just wanted a smoke break, but suddenly his back is hitting the alleys wall as Connor keeps coming towards him. There's nowhere left to go and the cold air outside is starting to feel suffocating.

He can see mist coming from Connors nostrils and mouth, making him seem even more alive than before. Why the fuck do machines need to breathe? And why can he feel that breath on his face right now?

"You never texted me back."

Gavin's heart is pounding in his chest, as he curls his hands into fists once again, ready to swing as soon as he can get his body to cooperate. He doesn't know at what, just that there's too much energy in his body and he needs it gone.

Connor's too close, far too close. He feels dizzy.

But for a moment, something changes, as Connor wavers and his facade cracks as a new expression flickers across his face. It's only there for a second, but if Gavin isn't completely going off the rails right now, he'd swear it's _doubt_.

"If I misread your signs, then tell me so. I can't deny that this little dance we're doing has a certain thrill to it, but I don't want to make a mistake and I need confirmation before I act."

_What?_

Gavin feels like he can't quite keep up with whatever it is Connor is talking about. He's not even drunk this time, yet he feels like it, being so close to the other man. Connor feels so real and so alive that all he wants to do is touch him.

Has he considered all of this flirting, the whole time?

He tries to back away even further, but he's already pressed flat against the bricks of the building, while Connor towers above him once more. A sick part of him wants to get used to this sight and feeling.

"Detective Reed, it's been my impression that you are interested in a relationship of sexual nature with me. Is that correct?"

Something shatters in Gavin's brain and he completely tenses up. Even his heart seems to have stopped beating, as he stares into the androids eyes, trying to find anything in there that will tell him this is a joke.

It has to be, right? Why is Connor acting like this, when all they've done is hurt each other so far? He wants to deny this to himself, because he knows once anything between them begins, he's going to fall into the rabit hole without any hope of returning.

And he's messed up and as much as he resents Connor for suggesting it, he knows that the android is likely right about him requiring professional help for his self-destructive thoughts and tendencies.

How can he consider any of this, when just a week ago he still thought of Connor as an it, a machine? He still does. Or does he? No, he can't, not when he's here, so obviously alive and _nervous_ and real.

Gavin wants to punch himself until he stops being such a stupid moron about all of this.

Then slowly, against his better judgment, he nods.

 

 

He hears the fireworks going off, but only registers them as white noise in his mind. Everything in his head is blank and strangely fuzzy; the only thing he can concentrate on is Connors lips moving against his.

Those same, soft lips that he's been dreaming off for the past week. Or for the past two months, if he's entirely honest.

Connors body covers his entirely as he leans against him, his hands placed on his neck to hold him. Gavin has his arms wrapped around the androids middle, pulling him as close as he can and there's a warm, needy feeling growing inside of him rapidly.

He can hear people cheer in the background and it's so much less tangible than the body against his, fitting against him so well that it feels like he was built just for him. Something akin to a heartbeat is thrumming in Connors chest, just as fast and elevated as his own. Gone is the pretense of calmness he showed last time.

It's everything he wants in a first kiss and everything that he feared, as he feels himself getting lost in the overwhelming wave of emotions that's sweeping him away.

He doesn't know if he can keep this purely sexual. Not when he already is aware of how little he can trust his own feelings regarding Connor.

For now, he wants to get lost and stop overthinking all of this. The rest will have to wait until later, when they can actually think this through.

But he's just human and he needs to breathe, so when they finally _have_ to separate, he finds himself wanting to close the distance again immediately.

Connor has his eyes closed during the kiss as well and once they break it off they flutter open only after seconds have passed, like he is struggling to process all of this. The lights of the fireworks off in the distance illuminates his features and Gavin finds himself in awe at how devastatingly beautiful the man in front of him is.

If someone had asked him what he'd expected to feel after kissing Connor, Gavin would have laughed at them for even suggesting the notion. If he'd considered it properly however, the last thing he would've said was _peaceful_.

He finds himself hoping that maybe, somehow, they can work this out. That maybe he's not entirely a lost cause yet and he can get a grip of himself, to work on building something together from the ground up.

It's probably not as easy as it sounds and he knows that he's high on adrenaline right now, but it doesn't stop him from dreaming.

Connor leans forward, resting his forehead against Gavin's.

He's smiling warmly.

 

 

"Happy New Year."

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this and let me know what you think!! 
> 
> **UPDATE:** Thank you all for your lovely support, this community keeps giving me so much joy!! The next part [Kiss me twice (Shame on me)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15981734/chapters/37281413) is online!!


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